The Uncreative Mind Speaks

To undo is impossible

Daily Prompt: Erasure

As much as I think I liked it at the time, things that have happened in the past affects what is now and will be.

I wish with all my heart and soul that I could erase that day, and those that followed, in the history of everything.

I don’t regret it necessarily for myself, but mostly for other people. I hate to see them struggle with demons in their heads just because of things I’ve done that I can never undo.

Yes, I regret it because I was not ready as I thought I was. But I regret it even more because I can’t bear to see people that I love suffer because of a thing of the past.

I wish I can just press Ctrl+Z to undo everything.

I wish I can pick up an eraser and rub hard on the mistakes I’ve done.

I wish…

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Lord, why?

Why do I have to be so damn sensitive and explosive? Why can’t I just bounce back easily after getting angry, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, upset, or sad? Why is it that even when everything’s better, I’m not feeling better? It’s so unfair. I try not to get upset so easily. I try to feel better as soon as I can. But it’s not soon enough. It eats me up. </3

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Perfect

Daily Prompt: Ready, Set, Go

I haven’t posted in a while despite saying I would be more diligent in writing something and publishing it here…

It’s difficult for me to compose sentences. Just now I spent about a minute typing, deleting, typing again, deleting some more, and typing a little bit more for just that one sentence.

That is why I rarely post now. I used to type in whatever and not think about how I sound years ago. That’s gone now…

I can’t even do my assignment due before 8 tomorrow morning because I can’t put my ideas and thoughts into words.

“I don’t know” is my favourite phrase. I always say it. And it’s usually mostly true. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to express myself. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know why I’m feeling a certain way.

I try to get past that. Force myself to say something and explain what’s on my mind. But it’s so terribly hard.

And right now my mind just went on a blank. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I thought at first the time was going too quickly… 10 minutes became 7 without me realizing. And now, every second seems to have slowed down. I see my timer beside me and it ticks ever so slowly.

It’s weird. Feeling lost most of the time.

But, hey, I’m glad one of my problems is solved (potentially): I can get a university degree AND a college diploma in the next two years. I’ll be studying what I like and still get that degree my parents are sure waiting for me to get.

And I say potentially because I have yet to apply to the schools for the joint programs I’m interested in. I don’t know (see, there it is again!) if I should go talk to the coordinators first, or apply first then talk to them later…

Fifteen seconds left and I have nothing else to say but this. Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

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Creativity

Every person has a creative spirit. According to Goleman and Kaufman in their article entitled “The Art of Creativity”, the creative spirit encourages us to innovate, explore new ways of doing things, and bring dreams of reality. It is the inspiration to do something new, exciting, and fun according to each person’s desires and interests. Creativity is about changing the routine for the sake of changing it. It is about creating new patterns from things and ideas that are already in place. It is about letting go and taking down the barriers of self-censorship. It is about being free from surveillance, evaluation, competition, overcontrol, and pressure (Creativity Killers) that are all imposed by the home environment and the demands of school. It is being in a state of no-mindedness, or of just doing. It is being in a moment of harmony when self-consciousness disappears and when time stops to matter. Creativity is about taking risks and breaking the rules.

I think my creative spirit is paralyzed inside of me. It is trapped within. Self-censorship has built huge walls around it. The Creativity Killers have terrorized my creative spirit that it has become comfortable sitting inside this wall of defence. So far, this censorship has protected my ego from being bruised by others’ judgment. It has built a strong defence that even the good that is the creative spirit cannot penetrate it. However, my creative spirit breaks free once in a while. It leaps over the barriers of self-censorship and brings me to a state of no-mindedness until it is swallowed back into darkness. My creative spirit coaxes me to take the risk of breaking down this barrier and freeing it.

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Ron Weasley’s advice

Daily Prompt: Quote Me

I love my family but I hate living with them. Others may think what I go through at home is a normal part of being in a big family, or any family for that matter.

I’ve been living with my family for more than two decades now and yet I have not learned to accept how they are. Constant bursts of temper, taunts, mockery, and arguments happen often. True, we have plenty of good times and fun times. But for me, negativity hangs around the house. I can’t get away from it unless I am not in the house. Plus, I never feel like I belong. And that bothers me so.

Harry Potter has a similar situation living with the Dursleys. (Although he has the worse end of the stick). With all that he goes through at Privet Drive, Ron tells him: Don’t let the muggles get you down.

And that is what I strive to do. I keep that quote in mind to help me stay sane in this house. I remind myself that I am in charge of my happiness, that I am stronger than I think, that I should not allow others to ruin my day. I remind myself that there are other reasons to be happy and that I should look forward to these other causes of joy.

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“When he closed his eyes, his heart was opened”

Daily Prompt: Kick It

I never wrote down the things I want to accomplish before I die. But I guess this is where I start with the 11th item on my bucket list: watch all the episodes of my series DVD’s stacked in my shelf and continue to grow my collection.

~*~*~

I love crime-solving TV shows.

I waited for Detective School Q, a Japanese anime show, to air on Animax every evening in 2004. I watched CSI:Miami, CSI, and CSI:NY on Spike all day, everyday during my first two weeks in Canada. I spent countless hours watching marathons of Criminal Minds and NCIS on A&E in the last five years. I checked On Demand daily for new episodes of Castle, Criminal Minds, Hawaii Five-0, NCIS and NCIS:LA.

I never tired of them. And because I love (DVD) sets, I bought the first seven seasons of NCIS as a present to myself three Christmases ago. At the same time, I received the first five seasons of Criminal Minds. Months after, I bought the first two seasons of Castle and the first season of CSI:NY on separate occasions. I received the first season of NCIS:LA and the third and fourth seasons of Castle during our family Secret Santa on the next two Christmases.

I have seen only the first two seasons of Castle and of Criminal Minds, as well as the first season of NCIS:LA and of NCIS.

My goal is to watch the rest of my DVD’s amidst the demands of school, work, family, and social life. I will acquire the later seasons of these shows plus Hawaii Five-0, as well as get my hands on copies of Community, Guys with Kids, New Girl, Modern Family, Charmed, One Tree Hill, Once Upon A Time, and The Walking Dead.

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New Year’s

Daily Prompt: Stroke of Midnight

Two hours before the stroke of midnight at January 1, 2013, my family piles up in the living room. Cath turns on the TV and switches between the Times Square and Nathan Phillips Square NYE shows. We sing along to the performances. We talk amongst ourselves as we comment on the shows.

“Aren’t they online yet?” Mom asks as I glance at my Facebook Messages page. We wait some more for our cousins to go on Skype so we can talk to them, catch up, and greet them a happy
new year.

“No, they aren’t. Ate Faye said Nanay’s sleeping while Jewel said they’re having lunch first.” Ate Faye is my dad’s niece, Jewel is my mom’s.

I switch windows and open My Documents, find my sound projects, and say, “Cath, I finally have my sound projects here! Turn down the volume and I’ll play them.” She ignores me.

I play my sound commercial and soundscape that I made with The Lights Out Crew. I love these products of hardwork and fun. I hope someone would listen and say something.

Nothing.

Ten minutes before midnight, my phone rings. I eagerly answer and move away from the living room. Kevin talks on the other line. A smile spreads across my face as I listen to his beautiful voice against the loud, chaotic noise of my family.

At the stroke of midnight, I sit at the bottom of the stairs, wishing I was with him.

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Here’s to the first day of the rest of my life

New Year’s reminds us of new beginnings. Many talk about their resolutions that may improve their lives in one way or another. I am one of the many.

Last year, I made resolutions throughout the year. I stuck with some of them. Or at least, I made even the littlest changes in me with regards to many of my resolutions.

2013 is a different year. I will strive harder to be a better person no matter what it takes. And I will take it one day at a time.

Today, I look forward to working and showing them that I am worthy to be recognized. I seek attention and appreciation but I rarely do anything exceptional. I start today, but I start small.

I may not be recognized on Encore for something exceptional I will do today, but I will work hard on making sure I do my job well: keep that smile and warmth, follow the Steps of Service, offer combos, ask for Scene cards, always stock up, and clean.

It’s not that I do not do these things, but sometimes I forget. I get stuck in wanting to be recognized and be seen as someone who is exceptional when I haven’t even mastered the basics.

I need to tailor my desire to be noticed and appreciated. I need to focus on the task at hand. I need to remind myself that I am not doing poorly just because I do not get recognized on a website. I need to focus on what I do well.

That is my main resolution for the first of January: perform well at work today and enjoy what I do so that I may earn the recognition I yearn.

However, there are other things I need to take care of as well: my health. So today, I must start with some lifestyle changes. I must eat when I’m hungry, have three meals for the day, get at least 15 minutes of exercise, and drink plenty of water. I must also refrain from sitting around as soon as I get home. Rather, I must get changed quickly and get food to eat before going about my tasks. Finally, I must wash up before going to bed at 11.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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